I was reminded of this story last night when there were some weird antics

going on in my building, so I thought I would share. This happened a few

months back when I couldn’t fit into my pants anymore.


I couldn’t find any pants to teach classes in in the stores. Nothing fit

and the maternity stores fitness pants were all see through (Hello! Why

bother. Weird). So I thought I’d be cool and order online.  I found a pair

of capris and a pair of long pants, and thought that would hold me for

a little while. Put in the credit card info and felt good about my purchase.


Delivery was estimated for Thursday, so I waited at home, but no package. I was

feeling a little desperate for these pants, as the ones I was wearing were

looking pretty sketchy and feeling even worse. I decided to look up the tracking

number. Turns out they had been delivered and right on time. I looked at who

signed for the pants and there were only the initials ‘MB’. First thing that

came to my mind was ‘Matzo Balls’.


Matzo Balls stole my pants? Oh my. Only in New York.


I got very flustered and one of my clients, Diana, suggested that  I write

a note for the tenants. Perhaps it was just an accident. (Yeah, right. What do YOU think?)


Here’s what I wrote:

“Yesterday, someone signed for my UPS package, but failed to pass the package on to me. 

The package contains 2 pairs of maternity yoga pants. Please please please pass the package 

on to me as you probably don’t need these pants & I REALLY do! Thank you!”

(contact info)


There are SO many things I DIDN’t say…


Then I went into my apt and hoped for the best. Later on that day, I was leaving the apt,

and right in front of the door was a plastic shopping bag with my pants in it!!! YAY!! I GOT

MY PANTS! Yay for my note! YAY!


And then I thought- wait. How sketchy is this? Matzo Balls clearly stole my package

hoping for the best. What a disappointment it must’ve been to find 2 pairs of maternity yoga

pants. But he/she would’ve probably kept them if it weren’t for my desperate plea. Leaving them

in a plastic shopping bag clearly says ‘guilty’. Not ringing the doorbell and being so quiet as to

not disturb the dog and sneakily putting the pants there ALSO screams not only ‘guilty’, but ‘I

know who I am stealing from- the pregnant lady with the dog’. There’s just so much sketch here.


I decided to leave another note. What to say? “Thanks for returning the yoga pants, you pathetic

smear. Sorry that the items you stole from a pregnant woman were a disappointment to you. And for the rest of the

people in this building, just a heads up that there is an ass basket amongst us.”


And I thought about that. Yep. But I decided that the good people of 161 already figured out from my note

that there was an ass basket amongst us. And I decided to encourage future good behavior by just

congratulating and focusing on the win. After all, I DID get my pants back.


So I just wrote “THANK YOU FOR RETURNING MY PANTS!” Though I have to admit, my hand

was twitching.


The irony of this whole thing was that neither pair of pants worked for different reasons. I ended up

getting a pair of gap pants. I also learned my lesson and no longer do I have anything shipped to my

address. Only in NY!


Put the good stuff out there if you want to get the good stuff back!


Your Fitness Coach,

Miranda Zukowski