Many of you followed along with my pregnancy last year. There were MANY ups and downs, and whether or not you have ever been pregnant or ever want to be, I believe there are nuggets in this story for everyone. At least I hope so! I believe my child is here out of sheer determination. The odds were definitely NOT in my favor. And he is beautiful! You can start at the beginning of the pregnancy saga by following this link: http://mirzukfitness.com/about-me/the-big-reveal/

There is one chapter left to tell- and I have put it off for just about ever. Or at least as long as I could. It’s been one year since this last little incident occurred. Right at my 40th birthday. I did write a little post on my birthday, and did mention that I was on bed rest, but I made the story more about my doggie friend, who needed some last minute surgery. Well, what I left out is that we actually both needed some surgery. It was weird to turn 40 in the middle of all of this. Now, as I’m about to turn 41, I feel like I can tell this story without being a dramatic mushball. Hopefully there is something to gain here.

If you want to read the post from my 40th birthday, follow this link: http://mirzukfitness.com/about-me/fitness-girls-40th-birthday/

Ok, deep breath. Here is the last chapter. I was pregnant with twins.

The reason that I was on bed rest during that trip to take Claire to the vet in Virginia is because I had a test called a CVS. It’s just a different sort of amnio test and it is a bit risky so they want you to stay as still as possible afterwards. It was double risky for me because I was pregnant with twins. A little boy and a little girl.

And then I got a call and Ron and I spent an evening on the phone with my Dr. He told us that the little girl’s brain was growing outside of her skull. He said that she would most likely die later on in the pregnancy and that if she did, she would very likely take the little boy down with her. He also said that if she did go full term that there was no corrective surgery for putting your brain back into your skull and that she would die.

Ok.

Um, so now we get into some challenging territory. Without going into my religious preferences and beliefs I will just tell you that for me- abortion has never been an option. And I think that we are responsible for ourselves and our decisions. Ron and I weighed what seemed to be 3 outcomes:

1- leave the little girl alone and she dies in my body and thus kills the other child

2- leave the little girl alone and she makes it to full term and then dies when she is born

3- protect the other baby by ‘terminating’ the baby girl. And prevent suffering for the little girl. It was still risky for the baby boy, but a much better chance of survival for him. By a longshot.

How do you choose? How did we choose? I don’t know. Judge me if you will, but we went with the 3rd option. And don’t think it was an easy one. It was horrible. Absolutely indescribably horrible. You may have chosen differently, but this is what we did. We knew the baby girl would die any which way you looked at it, and it was possible that the baby boy would die, too. So we protected the baby boy.

I had this information from the dr before the trip to Virginia. And I knew that once I returned I would have to have this procedure done. I am editing the procedure out of this. But I will tell you that I had to lie perfectly still. Which is VERY hard to do when you are sobbing. I had to control myself so as not to let the other baby be harmed. A horrible horrible thing. Which you may not understand. But if you can, compassion will work fine whether you understand or not.

Then I was on bed rest again. It was a LOT of bed rest! Not many people knew that I was pregnant with twins. I am so glad I kept that information to myself until now. It was at 4 months that all this went down, but for some reason I kept my mouth shut. And after this whole thing happened I think I did pretty good with my poker face.

I am tearing up now even though I gave it a full year before writing this. I protected the baby boy. And he is healthy and happy today as a result of our decision. Right or wrong this is what we did. I am still devastated that we found ourselves with such horrible options in this circumstance. But we did our best, what we thought was right at the time. And I love this baby boy so much!

If you have ever found yourself in this position or something similar, or just faced with impossible choices, know that you are not alone!

And that’s the end of my pregnancy saga. No more chapters. Now you can see why I kept this to myself for so long. The story was not complete without this chapter, but I didn’t really want to tell it. Hopefully some positive purpose is served by sharing this with you.