We’re getting into the nitty gritty now. I’m honestly not certain how
much to share, and it is scary to put this out there. This is some nasty NASTY business,
but so many women go through it, that I feel it’s important to talk about.
I believe that we need each other for support, no matter what stage of
the game we are in or what decisions we end up making.
If you’ve missed the story up to this point and would like to
catch up, go to http://mirzukfitness.com/blog/
So, we’re to the point where Ron and I were just told that our baby
has been dead inside of me for 2 weeks. I felt completely betrayed
by my body, by God, by the Universe, by everything, even by the baby. We had to wait
24 hours to go back to the ob to find out what our next step was. The only
thing that I remember about that night is that I felt numb.
Ron left work early to come with me to the dr. the next day. It was the last Friday in January of 2010.
I went to work in the morning before our appointment and just tried to focus on other things.
I was completely out of it.
The options you are given in this situation are interesting. You can either
opt for a d&c (dilation & curettage), where they dilate the cervix and remove
the ‘contents’ of the uterus. Or you can opt to take a pill vaginally.
Those are the basics. My mind wanted to have this over and done with as
soon as possible. I can’t describe to you how betrayed I felt. And just how
horrible. I was beginning to think I couldn’t have children and that it was
already too late for me. That this was my last chance and that I somehow
blew it. My mind was trying to figure out what I had done wrong.
I was devastated and I needed to have this death outside of me asap!
The advantage to the d&c is that it is an office procedure and you don’t have
to see anything or do anything, you just go lay there and it’s all nicely done for
you. The disadvantage is that you have to make an appointment for that, and thus
wait even longer.
The advantage to the pill is that you can take it right away and move on with your
life instead of having the dead fetus inside of you, and your body still acting like
it’s pregnant for who knows how many more days. The disadvantage is that you
get to deal with the mess.
I didn’t even think about the mess. My thoughts were all around that I wanted to get this over and done
with RIGHT NOW, my usual ‘dive in headfirst’ so I can get through it faster technique.
It’s usually a good technique. So we got the pill from the drugstore and headed to
blockbuster (yes, it was still around back then) and the grocery store. We were in
for a long night at home, and so I opted for a terrible horror flick. I knew a comedy
would annoy me, so I picked a film that was unintentionally funny called “The Orphan”.
And got some kind of ice cream with whoknowswhat in it. I ate the whole thing while
watching the movie, and I did laugh a bunch of times. What can you do in that situation?
If you can get yourself to laugh, you might as well do it. Escape from reality as much as
possible. We were doing the best we could.
Things started to happen long after the movie ended. Closer to the middle of the night.
I ended up in the bathroom sobbing hysterically. I won’t
give you a graphic description, but it was far worse than I could ever have imagined.
Emotionally as well as physically. Although, what was happening physically is what
triggered the release of emotions. It was like a tidal wave of emotion I couldn’t hold back
and I just disintegrated under its weight. Sometimes you don’t know what you’re made of until
you’re in a certain situation. In this situation, I was made of a sobbing hysterical mess.
I hadn’t really thought much about what was actually going to happen, and when it
happened, I fell apart. I lost my mind completely and don’t know how my heart
continued to beat, but it did.
There is no other circumstance in my life that even comes close to touching this experience.
If any of you have gone through this, my heart and soul go out to you. If you have not had
to deal with this, I pray you never ever do. Please know how fortunate you are.
Somehow, I ended up in the bathtub sobbing. I was not able to move and don’t
know how I got into the bathtub. Ron came in at some point to take care of me.
I have no idea how he managed to handle me. It was like I had no bones and my
mind had left the building. I have never been in worse shape and
he managed to bundle me up and somehow get me to bed. I am still in awe that he held
it together. (In retrospect, I’m not certain he did. He was just in better condition
than I was). And it’s still shocking to me how badly I fell apart.
The things I remember around this time all seem to deal with work.
I was on standby to sub for Erika Shannon at Equinox on that Saturday morning (less than 12 hours after
I was incapacitated in the bathtub). I’m
not sure when I got it together enough to contact her to ask her if there was any way
she could make it, because I didn’t think I could (understatement). I didn’t tell her why
and I don’t remember if I heard back.
I was pretty much a mess for the entire week following. Things were still ‘happening’, and
I had all sorts of damage control in place. Somehow I managed to work and even teach
some classes. On Sunday, I even had a Healthy Hangout event with Ivy Slater. I didn’t feel
I could cancel, so I taught my part. I cried some, and had to out what I had just been through
at the event. It was awkward, but it would have been worse if I just taught my portion while
crying with no explanation. Anyway, I did it. And a week later I subbed a class for Stephanie
Levinson at 85th street Equinox. I actually had a great time teaching the class, even though I was
still pretty much hemorrhaging (sorry for the graphic, but it seems like an important detail).
Ron stayed at the gym (ran on the treadmill during my class) to sort of keep an eye on me.
There were two nasty women in the class who walked out together and told the manager
that I ‘sucked’. Good timing for a useless and plainly hurtful review. The manager told me,
and I wondered what I was supposed to do with that information. It wasn’t any sort of useful
feedback or criticism that I could do anything about. I just ‘sucked’. So that’s one way to kick someone
when they’re down. I will never forget those women’s faces. And that week is the only time
that anyone at Equinox has ever been so nasty. Timing seems ironic.
I remember feeling very alone in this situation. I told very few people, and there were very
few places where I found comfort or support. My sisters sent a lovely care package, and
it was so thoughtful. That made me feel loved and cared for. I will never forget that gesture.
Ron’s reaction was interesting. Much as I love him, he had to get himself out of the picture
as quickly as he could. I’m telling you this, because I believe men are much different than
women. I don’t think they understand what you go through with something like this. I
thought we were in this ‘together’, but we were clearly not.
This is part of the reason I am sharing this whole story, because I want you to know if you’ve
gone through this you are most definitely NOT alone. I don’t want you to feel like I did.
Women need to support each other, like my sisters supported me.
I slowly started to recover. There were still random bouts of crying
that I couldn’t explain. But they started to subside. I have to tell you, at this point
I was so afraid of disappointment that I didn’t want to try again.
But is that any reason to abandon a dream? Because you’re afraid it won’t work???
Guess what will happen if you don’t try at all.
So, next time I’ll talk about what the next steps for me were. I hope you
find this useful, and please reach out to me if I can be of any assistance to you
on your journey.
Your Fitness Coach,