Phase 2 starts a new ‘era’. A whole new mindset and experience. Up

until this point, I had only thought I wanted to have children and had

done what I felt I had to do to make it happen. Now,  I

learned that I KNEW this was the path for me.

 

If you missed some of this story and want to catch up, you can go

to my blog page and fill in the gaps: http://mirzukfitness.com/blog/

 

December of 2009. I came back to NYC from a lovely Christmas with

my family. Still no period, but for some reason I would NOT take a

pregnancy test. As I’ve said before, I’ve had symptoms of pregnancy

before, and have taken the tests after a week or so only to have them

be negative. So I figured I would live in my blissful notknowingness

for as long as I could stand it. I spent New Year’s with Ron and on

New Year’s Day of 2010 we drove to a strip mall close to his house

where there is a Walgreens close to a Starbucks.  So I went into

the Walgreens, bought the test, walked over to the Starbucks, TOOK

the test (even as someone was knocking on the door to hurry me up).

Somehow managed to get the thing back to the car because I didn’t want

to look at it, and then the 2 of us looked at it together, and sure enough-

that test was POSITIVE! I was overcome with emotion, I don’t even know

what happened. Meltdown of happiness and disbelief. This was the first

time I really KNEW that this is exactly what I wanted. I was so happy! It felt

100% right.

Called my parents to tell them, and just began existing in this blissful state.

I was already nauseous, but I didn’t care. I was so happy!! I was drinking

ginger ale and eating saltines and felt like crap, but I was SO HAPPY!! Just

this unexplainable blissfulness that filled my being. Permanent smile glued

to my face.

I had actually already started to gain weight before I took the test, mostly in

my chest, and that was kind of fun, and funny, to me. Just amusing to watch

those things grow. And I had this craving for philly cheese steak sandwiches.

I probably gave into that craving once a week.

 

It was early, so we didn’t want to get too excited or tell too many people or make

too many plans. But it’s so HARD to contain all of your excitement and nausea,

and sometimes people just guess. It’s just close to impossible to not get excited.

You want to tell everyone and yet you know you shouldn’t. That bad things happen

and you can’t get too attached too soon.

 

So I focused on having fun teaching at Equinox. I was still pretty new there, only

been teaching for them for about 4 months, with only one permanent class on the schedule.

I was subbing a lot and trying to get my footing with them, so that was a fun challenge

that kept me occupied.

 

I made my first dr.’s appointment with the ob, but they couldn’t fit me in until I

was about 7 weeks along. That’s ok, I was so happy, I just took what I could get.

I went in and they didn’t seem worried about anything, they see new pregnant

women everyday. They put me into their system and gave me all they needed to

give me, along with a blood test, and sent me on my way. They told me to make an

appointment with a specialist for an ultrasound at the hospital so I did that, and I

got in at 10 weeks.

 

Ron went with me for that one. We were so excited and didn’t know what to expect.

We certainly did not foresee what actually happened.

We got in the ultrasound room and the nurse was looking at the screen and not at me.

She was quiet for a moment and then said “Go ahead and get dressed and someone will

speak with you”. Alrighty then Miss Pokerface. I may not know much about being

pregnant, but I know when there’s some bullshit going on and I immediately went numb.

Ron & I did not speak.

 

We waited for the next person to come along, and she told us

that our baby had no heart beat. Looked like it had stopped developing at 8 weeks, and here

we were technically at 10 weeks. It’s almost rude, right? I felt as if MY heart had stopped

beating. Why didn’t they give me an ultrasound right away? How could it be

dead inside of me for 2 weeks without me knowing?

It never even occurred to me that that could happen. I thought a miscarriage was, well,

something different. I started to cry and she handed me, wait for it…. a paper towel. Hmmm.

I did not like her.

 

Another thing, my body was still acting like it was pregnant. We actually went out to eat.

I couldn’t believe I could eat or even that I wanted to or that my breasts were still sore or

that I still had a number of other symptoms. Didn’t my body know anything? I felt so

betrayed and the whole ordeal was just RUDE! We sat in the park and stared off into space

in between saying the same thing over and over again which amounted to “I can’t

believe it”.

 

The next day we had to go back to the ob to decide what to do next. The choices are

interesting. I’ll tell you all about it in the next post. Honestly, I have to stop writing this

and focus on the little life that’s in here right now.

 

Take care of yourselves and those that you love!

Your Fitness Coach,

Miranda Zukowski