I’m sharing my story in the hopes that it can help
you in some way.
Many women share similar stories or are heading
down similar paths. My goal is to offer them support
and comfort on their journeys.
I knew from a very young age that I wanted to have
children. I am just wired that way, and I accepted
it as part of my being-ness. I wasn’t ‘ready’ though,
whatever that means, until I was about 34. At the time,
I had this boyfriend who was definitely NOT ready, but
he kept stringing me along, saying that we would make
this all happen. When I was 35, he found someone else
to jump over to- a younger girl without the same demands
as me, and finally admitted that he did not want
children. I felt like he had wasted my time, although it was
ultimately my responsibility, as I could
have dumped him earlier.
I heard ‘tick tock tick tock’ repeating
over and over in my head, along with the accompanying
feeling of ‘It’s not fair!’. How many women feel that
biological clock mocking them and time seems to slip
through their fingers? It certainly does not seem fair.
And you do have to act while the iron is hot if you
want to give birth to a child. Fair or not, it’s just the way it is.
Which is what lead to my next seemingly wacky decision.
Some more time passed, and I had turned into that person
who was looking for a suitable mate to be a father (a role I did
not enjoy playing), I felt like I was wearing a sign “Oh there’s
that 30 something woman who’s
desperate to have kids and will settle for anything”.
I felt my 37th birthday weighing on me and I decided that I was sick of searching
for the daddy. I was going to do this by myself. It was crazy, but I
figured it comes down to “do I want this, or not? If I do, I need to act now,
regardless of my situation” . So I found a reproductive
doctor, and told him I wanted to have a baby and asked what my
best option was. He advised me to do an IUI cycle, and I agreed.
IUI stands for intrauterine insemination. So basically, I pick the
sperm, it gets shipped to the doctors office and whammo! It’s done!
Although it’s not that easy. The doctor controls the whole cycle
from start to finish, which means lots of tests, drugs, and bloodwork. It
feels like you live at the dr.’s office. Little did I know at the time that
that was nothing compared to what I was eventually in for.
Something interesting happened around this time. Very unexpected.
I had given up on finding a ‘suitable man’, and had decided there
was no such thing. I was just about to start this iui cycle when Ron
and I went on our first date. He made a huge effort to drive into NYC from
Jersey to get me and take me and Claire the wonder dog, down the shore
for the day. We had a great time, but I was very wary of him.
On the second date he took me to meet his family! It was Easter 2009, and
the whole situation was just completely bizarre. It was just the 2nd date! So,
I decided that the best way to move forward was to be honest and throw my
cards out on the table and tell him what I was up to. Seemed fair. I totally
expected him to be nice about it and then never call again.
He seemed so thrilled that I told him. I think he perceived it as ‘ballsy’. The
fact that I was doing this, and also the fact that I told him flat out. So we kept
dating. He stuck with me through the entire cycle. He gave me my final HCG
shot (the drug that makes the egg drop) the day before the procedure. I remember
we had a date that night. We had taken a yoga class together and then walked around
in Central Park where he gave me the shot. Haha- we must’ve looked like crazy
druggie needle people (yes, I disposed of it properly). We were both terrified of the
‘shot’ and it hurt like hell!! Again, foreshadowing for the future…
After that he took me out to dinner. It was a great and very memorable night.
He even came with me to the actual procedure and sat in the waiting room.
It was like he was playing the Daddy role, but I hadn’t asked him to and
definitely didn’t expect him to. Seemed like once I had stopped trying so hard,
this relationship just sort of materialized out of nowhere.
I had loosened the reigns and allowed something good to come
into my life.
I’ll fill you in next week on the outcome of the procedure.
Til then- be true to yourself!!
Your Fitness Coach,